My appointment thursday went pretty well I guess. They have a plan for me anyway. The doctor said I have Cervical Facet syndrom; the facet joints in my neck are laced with arthritis. They also mentioned "empty sella syndrom" where apparently my pituitary gland is either so thin or so small it can not be detected on the MRI. What are they doing? I will be put to sleep thursday (hahaha yay sleep)and begin a series of 3 injections into the facet joints in my neck. This really freaks me out but I feel like I have few choices left. At least i'll be put out through it; I really hate needles. I hope that these shots work. I need relief; I need sleep.

They also changed my Lyrica to Cymbalta for the fibromyalgia. I have only taken it two days so its hard to tell if it is going to be better or not. It doesnt seem to have the groggy effect as the lyrica had.

Next they started me on Sonata; a sleep medication. The ambien was a bust and it seems as though this medication is too. Its only the first night though so maybe tonight will be better. After 2 pills I got 1 hour and 15 minutes of sleep. Not really any change from what i was getting without it. I'm really starting to believe that people can go absolutely insane without sleep. Its really wearing on me. I guess i'll try something else if this doesnt work.

Still here

I have been trying to spend time with my family. I feel terrified of these injections the drs are talking about. Afraid of something going wrong and becomming paralyzed. I'm trying not to think of them so much. Trying to keep my mind busy. I made it through my MRI without having to stop the test. The machine was an open view machine and about 10 times quieter than a regular mri machine. I had 11 tubes of blood drawn to check for thryoid problems and to possibly get an "official" daignosis on the fibromyalgia. Thursday i return to STAR for the results of the testing i have been doing. I am really nervous and anxious about that appointment because thats where they will tell me how the tests came back and lay out my treatment options if there are any that may help. I think living like this has made me both a better and worse person. I hope the treatment options are there; and I can just be a better person.

this weekend really sucks. if I could sleep for a month it still wouldnt be enough. Only a couple more days till the neurologist is back in the office. I'm nervous about the pain management appointment comming up on tuesday. Mostly afraid that it will be one more place that tells me they havent got a clue what to do with me. My baby comes in the bedroom to visit me. Hides under the blankets when my husband comes to retreive him out of there. I wish I could be a better mother. I feel like he misses out on so much although I trudge through the pain to take him to do things and give him as much as I can. Kid is my world, he deserves more. I wish his squeels of laughter didnt hurt. I have been trying to tell my husband for the past several weeks and I continue to deteriorate that they both would have such better lives without me. Baby man is such a daddy's boy anyway he'll be alright. My husband doesnt agree. I asked him how long he expected me to stay in all this pain; he didnt have an answer. he never does. I think i may literally loose my mind to the full extent if tuesday gives me no hope at all. If it wasnt for my little family I dont think I would have made it this long. I'm such a grouch all the time. It baffles me that my husband wouldnt jump at the chance to have a happy peaceful life without me and my pain induced mood swings. I wonder what he could want with someone who is down to nearly nothing to offer. He's a good man; he's always stood by me; he deserves better than the life he has to live because of me. If only I could just sleep and be at peace.

2 am

It seems at times I have completely lost who I am. I was intellegent and didnt stumble over getting a thought out; or reading advanced college textbooks. Now reading to my son I stumble over the easiest golden books. My brain just doesnt seem to work the way it used to. I have so many memory problems day to day being distracted with the pain. I dont sleep so that doesnt help the memory either. Ambien is not working; 7th night and here I sit at 2am. Called the neurologist for something different to try; except he's out until monday. I havent slept for nearly 7 years so whats another weekend right? it feel like an eternity though. I sit here thinking of the impending trip to the grocery store. With the buzzing florecent lights that can nearly paralyze me. I feel like i'm shopping the store with 80 lb weights around my ankles never seeming to make it through the whole list. I've wondered if earplugs would help or if I could still feel the buzzing in my brain anyway.

3:30 am...

I think this has all started so long ago that I don't remember so much. I'd currently heavily medicated and have no pain relief. The meds I'm taking are not really helping so much either. Just for the record and my own memory the meds I am on before starting this journey with pain management drs:
Effexor XR 300mg
Lyrica 100mg
celebrex 400mg
zonegran 100mg
phenergan 25mg
Ambien CR 12.5mg; i just started this and after 6 days I still have not slept.
Imitrex Injections 6mg

One would think I'd be in a coma; but no, here i am awake again. Got to doze off for about 45 min tonight. Hopefully I can sneak in another nap or I'm screwed for the day when my son gets up early.

I haven't slept slept in so long I wonder what it would feel like in the morning having slept the whole night through.

I fall asleep by the migraines just keep throbbing and burning inside my head that it wakes me up soon after going to bed. I wish there was more that could be done; I guess I will find that out on Tuesday when I see the pain management team.

My husband wants to go to his parents this weekend for his moms birthday; I may have to fail him again and stay home; because this has not been a good week for me.

Parenting a 2 1/2 year old is insane these days. He just throws fits and screams the whole day and then I cant get him called by down but nothing works. He's wild and cute as can be. my dream come true. I only wish I had so much more to give him.