this weekend really sucks. if I could sleep for a month it still wouldnt be enough. Only a couple more days till the neurologist is back in the office. I'm nervous about the pain management appointment comming up on tuesday. Mostly afraid that it will be one more place that tells me they havent got a clue what to do with me. My baby comes in the bedroom to visit me. Hides under the blankets when my husband comes to retreive him out of there. I wish I could be a better mother. I feel like he misses out on so much although I trudge through the pain to take him to do things and give him as much as I can. Kid is my world, he deserves more. I wish his squeels of laughter didnt hurt. I have been trying to tell my husband for the past several weeks and I continue to deteriorate that they both would have such better lives without me. Baby man is such a daddy's boy anyway he'll be alright. My husband doesnt agree. I asked him how long he expected me to stay in all this pain; he didnt have an answer. he never does. I think i may literally loose my mind to the full extent if tuesday gives me no hope at all. If it wasnt for my little family I dont think I would have made it this long. I'm such a grouch all the time. It baffles me that my husband wouldnt jump at the chance to have a happy peaceful life without me and my pain induced mood swings. I wonder what he could want with someone who is down to nearly nothing to offer. He's a good man; he's always stood by me; he deserves better than the life he has to live because of me. If only I could just sleep and be at peace.